These Women Are About To Tell You Some Things That Are Absolutely None Of Your Business

62 Things the Avengers are Not Allowed to Do.

• 1. Tony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the ‘food of the gods.’
• 2. Natasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy.
• 3. Clint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the final step of the interview process to terrified new hires.
• 4. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk-cage, no matter amusing he finds teaching Hulk “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around”
• 5. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk’s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.
• 6. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.
• 7. Tony is not allowed to insist that he’s already done so and that Fury’s middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles…. Because it isn’t.
• 8. Thor is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever.
• 9. Steve is not allowed to address any female S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as ‘little lady,’ ‘broad,’ or ‘dame.’ It only ends in getting slapped.
• 10. Agent Coulson’s name isn’t “Mom.”
• 11. Director Fury should never again be addressed as “Dad”
• 12. Agent Hill is not the Avenger’s wicked stepmother.
• 13. Clint is not allowed to lurk in the shadowy rafters spying on people, unless specifically instructed to do so for an official S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned mission.
• 14. ‘Operation Irritate the Fuck Out of Nick Fury’ is not an official mission, no matter what Tony or Natasha say to the contrary.
• 15. Debriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots.
• 16. Debriefings should not be followed by tequila shots.
• 17. There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings.
• 18. Thor and Hulk will wait to fight until after the battle is over.
• 19. Tony Stark is not God’s gift to women.
• 20. The Avengers do not need matching uniforms.
• 21. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to have a contest to see who can make a bigger “boom” in the lab.
• 22. Thor is not allowed to join in and make the biggest boom with his hammer.
• 23. The Avengers will not be celebrating Steve’s 94th birthday.
• 24. The laboratory is not Tony and Bruce’s ‘Super Secret Genius Clubhouse.’ They are not allowed to bar entry to employees based on IQ test results.
• 25. The Avengers are not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
• 26. Iron Man is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
• 27. Tony Stark is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
• 28. Thor is not allowed to ‘bring down the wrath of Odinson’ on the person who ate the last package of pop-tarts.
• 29. Pants are not optional at team meetings.
• 30. ‘Pepper said it was okay’ is not a good enough reason to defy a director order from command.
• 31. The words “What’s the worst that could happen?” are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.
• 32. MC Hammer did not write Thor a theme song.
• 33. Gumby is not the love child of Bruce Banner and Reed Richards.
• 34. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever.
• 35. Blasting ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ at top volume into Bruce’s room on loop overnight is not an effective way to suppress the Hulk.
• 36. Hawkeye is not sitting in the rafters waiting to pick off people playing Galaga on their computer during work hours.
• 37. Tony is not allowed to bribe Natasha and Clint to physically, emotionally or psychologically torture General Ross for being ‘a great big douchebucket’ and ‘being mean to Brucie-kins.’
• 38. Steve is ‘Captain America’ not ‘Captain New York and those 49 other, lesser states.’
• 39. ‘Hulk SMASH!’ is not an effective diplomatic policy.
• 40. Tony is not allowed to buy the Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn to apologize for lighting Steve’s hair on fire.
• 41. The phrase ‘Trust me, I’m a doctor’ never leads anywhere good.
• 42. It is not funny to dare Bruce to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.
• 43. Steve is not to be introduced as ‘Captain Tightpants’ or ‘The All-American Virgin.’
• 44. The Avengers do not ‘charge into battle, naked like the Celts.’ Except for The Hulk. Sometimes.
• 45. Natasha’s glare is not in fact fatal. Tony is not allowed to continue implying that it is.
• 46. Tony is not allowed to convince Bruce to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be.
• 47. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow the American government, just because they didn’t like the results from the last election.
• 48. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow any government, without checking in with S.H.I.E.L.D. first.
• 49. Clint is not allowed to sell Thor any ‘magic beans.’
• 50. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to try to sell Tony to another planet, even if they are promised really cool new weapons in exchange.
• 51. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go to any science conferences without a chaperone.
• 52. A robot Tony built does not count as a chaperone.
• 53. Nikola Tesla is not a vampire being held in the bowels of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.
• 54. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go searching for him in the name of Science!
• 55. Clint’s super-power is not ‘being super-annoying.’
• 56. The following words and phrases are never to be uttered over communication devices during an active mission ever again: “Exploring sexuality,” “Necrophilia,” “It’s getting hot in herr, so take off all your clothes,” “I hate everyone on this mission and I wish they’d die in a fire,” “Nick Fury can go suck on a big bag of sausages,” references to Bruce’s giant stash of weed, mention of anyone’s erection, or “Shawarma.”
• 57. If it makes Tony giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isn’t allowed.
• 58. If it makes Natasha crack a smile, it’s probably illegal.
• 59. Thor taking Jane to see Asgard does not count as an alien abduction. Clint should stop referring to it as such.
• 60. Just because Bruce agreed to work in Tony’s lab, does not mean he needs to get a “Property of Stark Industries” tattoo.
• 61. Tony is not allowed to design a robot to draw said tattoo on Bruce when he falls asleep in the lab.
• 62. Post-mission reports to Director Fury should not start out ‘So let me explain…’